clandestine
by thingsscreaminthedark
Summary: "Just give in." she repeats, they grin. -Lily/Teddy


**A/N- Oh my god, I can't even. What did I do with this. It even depresses _me_. Review please, tell me your thoughts? I'd appreciate it very much baby-dolls.**

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><p><strong>clandestine<strong>

_But lately her face seems _

_slowly sinking, wasting_

_Crumbling like pastries_

"The A Team" by Ed Sheeran

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><p>Lily gets the news on a Sunday in November- the day the snow starts to fall in thick, crystaline flakes, the day she loses her virginity, the day her heart <em>shatters<em>.

The picture is gorgeous, of course. Teddy's hair is lavender and his eyes are brown, and did his smile look like that before? Oh, and Victoire is timeless- her Veela beauty shining in her eyes, her hair, her engagment ri-

_Oh no, oh please. Teddy isn't hers. Teddy isn't hers. TEDDY ISN'T HERS._

But he is. The pretty diamond on Victoire's wedding finger seals it all together. Lily's eyes go blurry, things inside her head start to scream. It's too loud, it hurts, she wants them to stop-

"Lils?" The anxious call of her name breaks the trance, air fills her lungs and she can feel her frantic heartbeat in her throat.

Albus is there, his red and gold tie a bit too loose, the line between his brows questioning. She remembers then that they're in the Great Hall, and people are starting to stare. She shoves 'The Daily Prophet' behind her back in a single fluid movement.

He slides in next to her, holding his hand out for her to take. She does, squeezing it gently. He squeezes back.

"You alright there? You looked like you were going to be sick or something." he explains, green eyes narrowing suspciously as he gazes into her own, searching for the fear that she has carefully masked. Al has always been able to read her best.

"I want to go back to my dorm." she murmurs, shaking the hectic dark red curls away from her snowy face. She just needs to go to a quiet place, where she can be alone. She's sure she can calm herself if she could just go back to her bed, swaddled underneath piles of blankets, the voices in her head rambling bad things to her that don't exist.

"Wait a second Lily, tell me what's really going on. Are they bothering you again?" he demands, tapping the side of her head lightly. Her breath hitches, she scowls.

"I'm going to my dorm now." she states icily, ripping her hand out of her brothers as she stands up, brushing invisible dust off of her slender legs before she storms to the dungeons.

She brings the paper with her, watches it burn slowly in the Slytherin common room, and once again, she's inside of her own head, angry and confused and sad.

_But never, ever alone._

~;~

Somehow, Lily finds herself clad in bright blue (aqua) snow boots, looming over the edge of the mirror-like Black Lake.

She makes a new game that sends cold thrills down her spine, where she'll bend just enough over the edge; just enough so that she'll almost fall right in, before she snaps herself back. She's caught herself each time so far, but it's only a matter of time before she finally lets go.

The soft crunch of pressure on snow sounds behind her, putting a pause to her excitement.

There's a tall boy standing only feet away, with the strangest expression on his face. He has dark blonde hair and shadowed navy eyes. His scarf is bronze and blue.

"Lorcan Scamander! The one without the rhyming name." Lily says in a pretty sing-song voice. Her gaze has already returned back to the lake.

He still has the same look on his face; one that is a mix between curiousity and understanding. His eyes mirror a too-slim girl with large crazed eyes and shaking knees.

"What are you doing?" he asks, sliding off his scarf as he takes a few slow steps closer.

"What are _you _doing?" she mimicks childishly, inching closer to the edge. Snow falls into the water below.

A dry smile touches his lips, he's close enough to touch her now, and he does, brushing the hot skin of her neck as he wraps the scarf around it. She returns his smile with one of her own that is much more clandestine.

"I was looking for you, actually. Lucy mentioned that you didn't go to your classes." he tells her. Lily decides she likes his voice quite a lot. It's deep and soothing, the kind of voice that makes people want to hear more.

"Nothing goes by our dear Lucy." she says softly, maybe a little bitterly. She notices dried blood crusting around her ragged fingernails, her face scrunches in distaste.

Silence follows, and Lorcan suddenly isn't too sure of himself. Talking to Lily is like talking to someone who's not really there.

"Do you want to go somewhere with me?" Lily asks, sparks forming in her eyes.

The idea pops into her mind out of nowhere, because quite frankly, she was growing bored with her first game. The thought of falling into the icy water doesn't really scare her; she thinks it might even be quite pretty underneath the glossy surface.

She needs a new distraction- and Lorcan's perfect.

"Go where, exactly?" he questions, wetting his bottom lip with the tip of his tongue nervously. Lily's standing much closer now, her face is mere inches away.

"Trust me." she purrs, smile wide and mad and absolutely not trustworthy. But, as she slips her smaller hand into his, Lorcan doesn't have the will-power to stop himself.

She takes him back to her dorm- where she slips his clothes off with silky fingers, where he whispers sweet-nothings against her lips, where they fuck.

Later, when Lorcan is already fast asleep and angelic looking, Lily quiets the screams in her head, and falls asleep to dreams of electric hair and forever-changing eyes.

~;~

When she arrives home for Christmas break, Lily runs into her father's arms. She's happy for a moment, because her father is warm and familiar, and her mother is all lovely smiles and forehead kisses. Being back at the cottage makes her feel as if she'll be ok for a while.

After more air-stealing hugs and "i love you's", she takes her bags back to her room so she can breathe and take it all in.

Her room is a castastrophe, just the way she had left it. Shoes and random scraps of clothing litter the ground. The mirror in the corner of the room is cracked down the middle, breaking all images. The paint covering the walls is an explosion of blinding colors; a splash of yellow here, another of purple there. Streaks of blue and green mix into it all, along with a deep red that has always been her favorite.

Oh, and pictures. Pictures everywhere. Mostly of her family, where Lily had captured their secrets. There's Scorpius with eyes that follow Dom's movements over Rose's shoulder, Uncle George hollow and pale as he stares into an old album with photos of a man identical to him, Molly stuffing food conspiciously under the table into a napkin, a glimpse of the faint scars that run on the inside of Lucy's wrists, Uncle Charlie smiling sadly at Aunt Fleur who refuses to return his gaze, and a tall, turquoise-haired man peeking at her from behind a tree-

Her head spins, and everything turns into nonsense. The burning in her chest is really painful, and if she doesn't stop it all right now she thinks she'll turn inside-out.

She tears every last picture from her wall, clawing at them without seeing eyes. It's too much; the secrets are TOO MUCH. She can't hold them all anymore, her head is already soso full with the whispers that tell her _terrible _things and they haunt her even when her eyes are open.

Her knees give out from underneath her, and Lily slides slowly down her wall, eyes giant and glued to the mass of ruined picture in the center of her room. She winds her arms around her legs, pulling them closer as she attempts to hold herself together, because she _has _to hold on. For mum and dad, James and Al. They still love her, right? They still need her.

But, she knows the truth. As much as they may 'love' her, they definitely don't need her. She's more of a _want_ than anything, and even then, she causes much more trouble than she does good. Everyone would eventually mend without her; life would continue as if she were never there.

"Useless. I'm so fucking useless." she whispers.

Something in the back of her mind agrees with a contented grin.

~;~

It's Christmas Eve morning when the terror starts to really sink in.

Lily awakes to frosty white light seeping into her window, creating cold shadows around the room. Tremors run down her body, and she slips on an over-large sweatshirt and thigh high socks to hide the whiteness of her skin.

She's alone when she tiptoes down the creaky wooden steps, heading for the kitchen to start a pot of coffee to warm her chills. The decorations around the house are the same as those they had as children; magicked snowflakes and blinking lights, courtesy of Aunt Hermione who always added a muggle touch.

She realizes she can't hide anymore.

Because today she will have to go to the Burrow. She will have to see her family and accept hugs and gifts and face secrets that only she knows about. She will have to act normal, like everything isn't falling apart inside.

She will have to see Teddy Lupin.

_The one that forgot poor Lily Luna, always second to someone more special, more beautiful, more** sane**._

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP." she cries, begs. Tears refuse to fall out of her eyes, and she wishes they would- just for once. She thinks it'd be nice to feel something other than fear and anger.

She runs for the front door, desperate for the crisp air that is only feet away. The coffee is forgotten as she stumbles to the frozen ground, snow melting into her socks. She raises her head skyward, eyes narrowing at the dreary sky. Her lower lip trembles.

An hour later, she drags herself back inside. She sits on the couch and lets Albus force a mug of steaming coffee into her frozen hands. He talks, she doesn't hear a word.

She's numb.

~;~

Lily tugs lightly on her hair as she watches the seconds on the clock tick by painfully slow.

She's at the Burrow, and soft hugs have been exchanged and dinner has long dissapeared. It's in her mum's old room where she hides, tucking herself into the corner.

A mirror glints across the room, reflecting the silver of her silky dress back at her. She'd decided at home that she'd put on something pretty and paint her lips red, because if she looked normal, maybe her family would think she _is _normal.

The clock continues to tick, it matches the rhythm of her heart. But, the rush of footsteps pounding up the stairs quickly makes the steady thrum uneven.

Before she can even think or react or something, the door is thrown open, the rush of wind makes Lily's hair fly in every direction.

A man stands in the doorway, looking just as utterly shocked as Lily feels. He has broad shoulders and a sharp jaw, the blue hair on his head takes her back to days of sunshine and no worries.

The man in the doorway is Teddy Lupin.

Neither of the two can speak for a few moments. Teddy looks like he wants to, but his mouth doesn't seem to be obeying him. Lily's head is full of sweet coos and loving murmurs- they adore Teddy, they _crave _him.

"Lily." he breathes, hair paling as he shuts the door quietly behind him, taking one cautious step forward.

"Teddy." she whispers, voice emotionless. Her eyes follow his careful movements, but they look dead.

He kneels before her, like she's a child who needs comfort. The thought makes her feel nauseous.

"I knew you'd be hiding somewhere. You look different." he tells her, stating the obvious.

"People change a lot in three years." There's ice in her words now.

The sharp edge catches him off-guard, and the guilt shows clearly on his face. She feels much more satisfied than she should.

"I'm sorry." he says, because it's the only thing he can say.

"Yea, I think it's too late for that." she replies, eyes trained on her shaking hands. They haven't stopped shaking in a long time.

His lips, that are usually full with boyish smiles, curve into a dark grimace . He's struggling to reach her when she's so painfully far.

"I don't know what else to say Lily- I messed up, alright? It wasn't intentional; Vic needed me, and I just wasn't thinking about anything else at the time and I want to make it better-" he rambles, Lily cuts him off with a frenzied gesture.

"If you don't leave right now, then I will." she says, tears clouding her voice. Because she doesn't like the way he's treating her, like he feels _bad _for her, or the way he smells like Victoire, or how he refuses to look her in the eye.

_Don't cry. Don't cry. DON'T FUCKING CRY._

The muscle in his jaw tightens, he's a still as a marble statue.

"Fine." she mumbles, gathering herself up from the wooden floor. Her skin is chilled with gooseflesh.

She's reaching for the door when a large hand closes around her wrist, warm and unyielding.

"Wait." he says softly. Oh, if they were pleased before, now they're _ecstatic_. It's so loud, she can hardly think past their voices, and the pressure of Teddy's hand, and his endless eyes.

"You look lovely." he says, cool breath brushing the back of Lily's neck. Her insides rage, and she forgets how to breathe.

"You can't just do this, Teddy!" she cries, tearing her wrist out of his iron grip when she twirls around, roses flushing her cheeks. Later, she'll find a lavender bruise on that same wrist.

"You can't just come here, after three years, and try to make things alright. Because you c_an't. _They're already too far along, I can't stop them anymore- no one can." she gasps. She brings her hands to her face, and is surprised to find her cheeks are wet. She hasn't cried since she was seven.

Teddy sighs, a sound that is eternally tired. Lily's tired too. She's ready to give in.

_Give in, Lily-flower. Give in._

She leans against the dusty wall, sinking to the floor as her legs give out from under her. Teddy sits next to her, legs touching legs, and wipes her tears away. When he puts his arms around her, she doesn't stop him.

Instead, she leans into his touch, greedily accepting his warmth. Something presses against the top of her head, it might be his lips. She slips her hands into his, and watches as they almost swallow hers whole.

"I'm afraid. I'm so afraid." Lily says.

"Everything is going to be fine, I promise." Teddy lies, running his thumb over her knuckles.

_All you have to do is give in._

~;~

The holiday ends, and Lily is sent back to Hogwarts. Now, when her nightmares come to life in the middle of the night, Albus isn't only a room away. She endures them in silence, her eyes open like green mirrors that reveal horrors from her soul.

Teddy goes back with Victoire, where he plays a part in their flawless fairytale. In the morning, when Vic leaves for work and he's alone with his thoughts, he writes to Lily.

It isn't enough.

The letters aren't enough, the secret meanings behind each one isn't enough, the pretend promises aren't enough; not anymore.

Teddy isn't enough.

Or, at least he's not enough like this- when he already has Victoire and a life worth living and everything he's always wanted; there's not enough room left for little Lily with her frightened eyes and empty heart.

"Just give in." Lily repeats, they grin.

~;~

"I could have loved you, I think." she says, tracing the angle of his jaw with pianist fingers.

"Why can't you now?" Lorcan asks, pushing himself onto his side. The snow has melted, and fresh spring grass replaces it. A merperson breaks the surface of the Blake Lake.

She grins madly and presses a kiss to his lips. His question goes unanswered.

_Tick-tock, Lily Luna._

~;~

Long lashes rest on sharp cheekbones when Lily closes her eyes for the last time. There's an empty pill bottle somewhere to her left, and the fuzziness in her brain is starting to grow stronger. She can hardly hear them anymore, they're almost silent now. She's _free_.

She thinks of Teddy and pretty kaleidoscope eyes and how she wishes he could have been enough.

It's not such a bad way to die.

~;~

Teddy visits her grave for the first time two years later, with a fresh bouquet of pristine lilies and a wrinkled note clenched deep in his pocket.

He traces her name with his fingers a hundred times, tells her he loves her even more. (He's not lying anymore.)

His ring finger is bare.

~;~

She'd written him a letter with quivering hands right before she ended it all.

_Teddy,_

_You were right. It's all ok now, everything is fine. _

_I love you. _

_Forever, Lily_


End file.
